i have a fascination with houses...or maybe i should say homes.  i think because i didn't grow up in a home....i grew up in a house.  many of them.  growing up military, i was in 2 schools every year, which meant i was in at least 3 houses a year, depending on the time year we were re-stationed.  if you have read {or listened} to much of my story, you know that i was abused most of my growing up years by my step-father.  when the abuse was initially revealed, i was in the 6th grade--in California.  he was given a dishonorable discharge from the Marines, but never formally disciplined.  i was removed from the home but was soon placed back in it.  i am still unclear as to why my mom went back to this man or why the military didn't follow up with our lives, but things went back to the way they were before.   i am also unclear as to why we settled in commerce, texas.  there was a university there and my step-father got to keep his GI bill for schooling, that much is clear, but the why there is still a mystery. we moved into what my mom called 'a mansion'.  it was a fixer-upper.  i remember hearing plans of living there forever.  this was to be my home.  and it was in some respects.   because we were never planted any where for very long, this became my 'home town'.  this home became my home. it also became the place of more abuse--and a deep, dark time in my life

i moved out as soon as i could.  i was 16.

and vowed never to go back to that house.   it held too many bad memories for me.

several years went by and i had walked through some healing.  my step father had died years before, therefore, it was safe for me to go back.

and.

it was time to face some demons.

i got the courage to go to the house (even though every. single. time. i went back to commerce, i drove by it).

the woman my step-dad had lived with for many years still lived there.

somehow, i was able to knock on the door and ask if i could walk through the house.  she was very gracious.  i had never met her face to face--only heard about her.  i felt no urge to tell her how i had been treated by the man she lived with for years.

as i walked through the house, such a heaviness sat on my chest.  it was like i couldn't breathe.  i couldn't swallow.   we went from room to room and it looked exactly like it had when i left.  nothing had been done to improve it in any way.  it was creepy.  like a time capsule of my teenage years.

that house represented so much pain for me.  so much loss.  so much rejection.  so much abuse.  such a dark, dark, sad lonely place in my life.

i can't look at that house without remembering.

i have driven by that house for years.  and  i can always remember.

a couple of years ago, a friend from high school facebook messaged me telling me a friend of his bought the house and if i ever wanted to go through it, he would set it up......in my mind i said thanks, but no thanks.

here is what the house looked like as i remember it....some of the windows were boarded when i lived in it, but mostly they were really windows :)

last week, i had the amazing opportunity to shoot a wedding in arkansas.  i was led to do this job but not sure why.

it did happen to be the same weekend as my high school homecoming.  as a small town, this game has always held a special place in my heart-as i think it does others, too.   i haven't been able to go for many years. but really have wanted to.  so, this gave us an opportunity to head east and go to the game and then head on to the wedding.

little did i know what  message god had for me.

to be continued.......... ;)

photo complements of www.horse-apple-hill.blogspot.com