lots of life has been happening recently, and god is so faithful and so good to keep putting me in situations that cause me to deal with things that have kept me from walking in the freedom he has called me to and desires for me.

its no secret that i have been on a quest for my heart. i am determined to push through whatever i need to, to get to the other side to freedom.

in the past few weeks and months, some of my {very far past} choices have resurfaced (some,if not most-- i am not proud of). This has caused me to go to great depths reflecting, remembering and then, ultimately, of mourning and grieving. mourning losses that 1, i never allowed myself to acknowledge or feel and 2, of what might have been or what could have been.

what a tightrope walk of grieving the loss of what could have been had choices been made differently, and at the same time, rejoicing in the life i have, knowing god works all things together for those who love him and diligently seek him {in spite of our choices}. i love him (as best i know how) and i diligently seek him (again, as best as i know how) so i HAVE to trust that what he has worked in my life is for my good and his glory.

grief, i am learning, comes in like waves; fits and starts and it really has no rhyme or reason for its course. this photo, taken on my last trip to the west coast, was such a picture of what grief feels like to me right now. its like the most powerful waves.....building so far out that i can hardly recognize whats coming....just little bumps on the surface. but then, the waves grow and build until they overtake....they swirl and bang against the walls of the heart and soul.....creating all kinds of turmoil....and then they recede to back to where they came from.....leaving {me} at times wondering what just hit only to see it gone again......that grief.....wow. and then what i know is that he is there....for me....always.....standing tall, standing strong, causing me to look up and look out at his glory, his magnificence.....he IS

my lighthouse..........