Sugar free sweetened condensed milk

you know that yummy goodness that is the base ingredient for all kinds of wicked weight gaining food items. 

we now have a sugar free option. using truvia or pyure as the sweetener.  oh my. 

well, i have tried to make this (with little to no success on the stove top. it takes way too much attention for this chick. and stirring. lol. i've scorched more batches than i'd like to say. 

so. instant pot to the rescue. yep. it's turned 3 ingredients into creamy, sweet gold. 

sugar free sweetened condensed milk 

• 2 cups heavy whipping cream 
• 1/4 cup sweetener (I use pyure...truvia or swerve will work well also 
• 4 Tbl butter 

for the instant pot, i combine all ingredient, secure my pot lid and set it on manual for 25 minutes and then let it naturally release (which could take another 25). if it's not thick enough for your taste and needs, you can hit sauté and stir it until it thickens for you. 

that's it!  oh. if you want stove top, just put all that in a pan and heat to boiling, lower heat and stir constantly until thick-about 40 minutes. 

let cool-or don't-i am constantly tempted to not drink, i mean eat it with a spoon. 

you now have your base for hello dollies, ice cream, cheese cake or I've been using it in my hot chocolate recipe Here. 

just recently i've been mixing fresh squeezed lemon or lime juice on some and fighting off the kids so I can eat it in peace 

my lighthouse

lots of life has been happening recently, and god is so faithful and so good to keep putting me in situations that cause me to deal with things that have kept me from walking in the freedom he has called me to and desires for me.

its no secret that i have been on a quest for my heart. i am determined to push through whatever i need to, to get to the other side to freedom.

in the past few weeks and months, some of my {very far past} choices have resurfaced (some,if not most-- i am not proud of). This has caused me to go to great depths reflecting, remembering and then, ultimately, of mourning and grieving. mourning losses that 1, i never allowed myself to acknowledge or feel and 2, of what might have been or what could have been.

what a tightrope walk of grieving the loss of what could have been had choices been made differently, and at the same time, rejoicing in the life i have, knowing god works all things together for those who love him and diligently seek him {in spite of our choices}. i love him (as best i know how) and i diligently seek him (again, as best as i know how) so i HAVE to trust that what he has worked in my life is for my good and his glory.

grief, i am learning, comes in like waves; fits and starts and it really has no rhyme or reason for its course. this photo, taken on my last trip to the west coast, was such a picture of what grief feels like to me right now. its like the most powerful waves.....building so far out that i can hardly recognize whats coming....just little bumps on the surface. but then, the waves grow and build until they overtake....they swirl and bang against the walls of the heart and soul.....creating all kinds of turmoil....and then they recede to back to where they came from.....leaving {me} at times wondering what just hit only to see it gone again......that grief.....wow. and then what i know is that he is there....for me....always.....standing tall, standing strong, causing me to look up and look out at his glory, his magnificence.....he IS

my lighthouse..........

how do you like your eggs?

i am sure you have seen the movie 'the runaway bride'. if not, this is a good time to watch it....i plan on doing that today. i had seen it years ago when it came out, but apparently, it didn't make too much of an impact on me at the time.

i was in a counseling session the other day and my counselor jumped up and clicked on youtube on her computer. i was a bit confused on what i said that prompted this quick action, but went with it.

she pulled up a clip of this movie and, while the chinese subtitles were a bit distracting, i watched not knowing what i was looking for. then all of a sudden, i was a puddle of tears. this one section of the movie {and i truly don't remember this part or much of the movie at all} pierced my heart.

if you haven't seen it, or don't remember, this portion is about how the main character (Julia Roberts) was told by (Richard Gere) that she didn't even know how she liked her eggs. Her response was surprise and then the movie clips back to several relationships she has and the man orders her eggs for her.....and its always the way HE likes them...never asking her how she wanted them. The next clip is of her standing before at least a dozen different plates with eggs prepared different ways.

my whole life-up to this point-is of being and doing and acting the way others have asked, told or intimated they wanted me to. i didn't even know it.

i have been taking care of others' needs for so long, i have never learned how to take care of mine {in a healthy way}. there are many times when i don't even know what i like or how i should feel or what i should or even want to do in a given situation.

i would venture to say i am an empath. but i am not sure it has been beneficial for anyone, much less me ;)

when i saw this clip, i realized others have told me how i like my eggs...or clothes, or colors, or tv shows or, or, or.............what i saw was the potential to find out what it is i like, who i am, who i was created to be.......

taking care of others need and being who they have wanted me to be has been a survival issue. it is probably the only reason i am alive today.....i learned to play the parts needed to get by. but i am moving beyond that and i am having to stand on what i know and like and believe. and it is scary and raw and real and vulnerable.

and i am standing before many plates of 'eggs'....tasting, trying, deciding and listening......to my heart. to what i know is in there but hasn't been allowed to come out.

so....do you know how you like your eggs?

chasing rainbows, waterfalls and sunsets

this summer has to be one of my most favorite. at the beginning of the year, i prayed asking for specific words for 2013.  i got 4 words.  i asked for 3 but got 4.  the 4th one is truly a hearts desire for me but i realize i have stuffed it and kept it hidden (maybe not?).....the 3 words are irrelevant for this post, but the 4th.....ah.  the word was travel.  i actually tried to dismiss it, but realized i just couldn't and be true to myself.  i won't go into all the travels i have done this year that make that word so meaningful, but one of the trips was red river, new mexico....we actually went 2 times this summer.

the first time we went, we stayed pretty close to base and helped how and when we could for the purpose we went.  the second time, i realized i was missing out on some things that were important to me, personally.....

in the valley of red river, the town, the sun rises and sets beyond the mountains.  we are in a bowl like setting and i never saw a full sunrise (not that those usually fit my schedule) or a full sunset.

we have one day completely to ourselves during the week of activities we went up for.  i told the kids to be prepared to be gone from early (was not going to torture them for the sunrise) til after the sunset.  everyone was game......until the waiting game came along.  LOL....by about 5 they were READY to go home.

we  i, i mean, WE had a blast.  we ate out, got baked goods from a top rated bakery, shopped, got ice cream from our favorite place in taos, drove around and saw sites and then drove up the mountain to the ski area.....we hung out there for a bit and on the way back down, we saw a black bear.  that was pretty exciting and got everyones blood pumping just a bit.

while we were up on the mountain, the complaints began.....the need for a bathroom, the 'i'm bored' s started, the questions of how long this was gonna take and what time was it (they all have phones and watches, mind you), and 'when did i say we were going home?'.....

this all started to chip away at me and at the same time it began to cloud over and rain.  i thought 'well, cr@p....let's just hang this one up'....so we started down the mountain and that's when we saw a bear.

excitement....but no picture ;)

then, as we made it to the foot of the mountain the kids pointed out the rainbow.  they got so excited....everyone was taking turns out the sun roof, taking pictures.

we made our way to the gorge bridge.  i really wanted to see the sunset from there, but realized once there that the hill we were on would block us from seeing the sun hit the horizon.

that's when the fun really began.  we raced back to the car and fled through the open roads to a spot we could see the sun set.  windows down, breezes blowing....it was so much fun.  everyone was laughing and watching the sun and having a great time.

i realized after the sun had gone down beyond taking pictures, that i was teaching my children to capture the miracles of God that we take for granted every day.

sunrises.

sunsets.

butterflies.

bears.

rainbows.

river rapids making waterfalls.

each others company.

i know they will tell you today that that day was torture on them.  LOL.  but i also know that that day will be remembered with great joy.  maybe not in my lifetime, but,

it will.

i know it.

passing the baton

i really wanted a picture of harrison passing the baton to one of his teammates for this.....for obvious reasons (ahem, the title)...and didn't have one that was clear enough to use......so, i decided this picture would work...what it says to me is....that at the end of the day...as in THE END OF MY DAYS, what will i have passed on to my children? i have been contemplating this for a while.  a long time, actually.  i even thought about writing about it before--i have a draft of a post from 2 years ago.

last night it became clear...well more clear.  more like a little more mud removed from the screen.

i have LONG beaten myself up for the fact that i have, in many ways, repeated and passed on unhealthy and even abusive ways of relating to my children/husband/family/friends.  i can see so many ways i have failed to take a stand for what is right along the years.

i see so many other 'healthy' families and want that so badly for me and mine.  i see families that have (what seems to me) to have a deep connectedness, all willing and working on healthy conflict resolution, doing life together......i see families that have grandparents completely involved in their grandchildren's lives.  i see divorced families working things out peaceably.

i want so much more for my children.

don't we all?????

i heard a story last night from a dad...a man who's dad came from horrible abuse.  a dad who (from my view) was JUST surviving his childhood.  this younger man told of the horror stories his dad told him about how he grew up.  the anger, the rage, the abuse.  The speaker told of how he had learned to not look at what his dad DIDN'T do for him and look at what his dad DIDN'T pass on to him.  He learned to not focus on the times he felt he missed with his dad, because his dad just didn't know how to do those kinds of things....what he chose to focus on was how his dad STOPPED the horrid from being passed on and down the line.

this story gave me SUCH HOPE.  i have had such a longing to know i am doing better for my children than i had done for me.  and with that story last night, i saw that i have done that--that i am doing that.

i may not be taking my children as far as i wanted to...and yes, there is still time.  but to know that they will take the baton and go further with their family than i did....and their children will go even further...away from the devastation, the neglect and abuse  i grew up in and live a freer life from the beginning.

cole slaw....the easy way ;)

better late than never?  i hope so....its now great b-b-que time.  so i am finally sitting down to write out the cole slaw recipe.  cheese potatoes coming next! to read about the origins of this recipe, read here .

cole slaw

• 1 cup Hellmann's Real Mayonaise (i've never gotten brave enough to try another brand)
• 3 T. lemon juice (bottled works just fine, but fresh does take it a notch
• 2 T. sugar (can use honey)
• 1 t. salt
• 2 t. horseradish (the one of the secret ingredients)
• 3/4 t celery seed
• 6 cups shredded cabbage
• 1 cup shredded carrots
• 1/2 cup chopped find green pepper

whisk 1st 6 ingredients together.  combine vegetables and add sauce mix.  Stir well.

that's it.  so easy and so good.

now....i do take a short cut in that i purchase ready made shredded cabbage mix.  it does have carrots in it, although not 1 cup.  so, i just decide in the moment if i can make that happen or not.  the bell pepper is a non-negotiable.  it is the other secret ingredient.  i usually just put it through the food processor.

When pictures don't work

Having just spent 24 hours in Moore, Oklahoma serving food and just helping where needed in the moment, I'm a bit overwhelmed at the devastation and destruction this town (and several surrounding towns) were hit with last week. Being a photographer, I really wanted to come back with some great pictures to communicate what I saw. I couldn't.

Oh, I took some pictures.

I hope I took pictures that mean something. But not lots of pictures of what it looks like there.

I just couldn't.

I woke up several times in the night last night and asked why. I feel like God spoke and told me why.

Now-when I say He spoke, I mean impressions or mental images come to me that speak a message to what I just asked.

What He showed me was some images of watching the news. Of seeing images on the Internet, of watching tv shows.

I asked about this.

What came to me is the fact that with television and the Internet, we see so much. We have seen destruction in movies and with special effects and photoshop, images can be made to look so much more graphic than real life.

No amount of pictures could communicate the horrific experience these communities are walking through. Nothing can capture the smell of rotting food mixed with gas leaks mixed with sewage leaks. No amount of photoshop can show the emotion (or shock) these people are walking through life with, in this moment, just to keep walking. No image can capture the block after block, street after street, mile after mile of nothingness that was once thriving neighborhoods.  NO picture can shout the sound of silence that screams, and the echo that a single car can make.

and i do have pictures.  the pictures i chose to take are the ones that speak of the chosen condition of humanity when hard things happen.  pictures that tell of humor, hope and hard work that goes into making the best of a rotten situation.  I truly don't want anyone feeling like I am gawking.  Or taking advantage of them.  while there are stories of great tragedy, there are stories that tell of the goodness of God in the miracles that happened.

the humor and practicality in these next 2 pictures was great.  things like this were all over!

I loved this!at first, I thought this tent was someone who didn't have a house.  it actually was someone who came down from Chicago to serve.  He came with his dog and was staying as long as he is needed.....now that's heart!OU pride was EVERYWHERE!  Our American flags were flying all over, too!

some pictures were given to me by a coworker who took pictures while I drove ;)  Thanks, Angie!

what this boy is teaching me

we spent more than i care to admit several hours at a district track meet last night.  harrison, the youngest son, is excelling beyond my imagination in several events.  to watch him brings me such joy. last night, he was one of a handful of boys who made the cut from their school to compete at the district level.  we all had great hopes of walking away with records and 1st place spots in most, if not all the events.

it didn't really happen like that.  oh, he did well.

very well.

made this mama so proud.

but there was the one young man from another school that stayed just ahead of him, in. every. event.

we got home and i asked him about this boy that was just ahead of him in all 3 of his individual events.  he shrugged.  i asked if it bothered him that he lost to the same guy all 3 times.  his response has been in my mind and on my heart since...he said ' well, i need someone who will push me.  its not fun without the competition.'

spoken like a man.  and a competitor.  and a realist.

we all need someone who will push us just a bit further.  without comparison.  i am still not sure how the balance of that happens, but i am learning i need those in my life who will push me.  press me for more depth than i think i have.  stretch me into thoughts and actions that are a bit 'out there' for me in the moment.

i love this man {child}.  i love watching him grow and i love how he challenges me and pushes me just by him being himself.

biscuits

can one ever have too many biscuit recipes? i think not. and. while i purposing to eat raw and no grains, i find i can enjoy these a little here and there. I found this recipe on Pinterest and it has started making frequent appearances on the table. the kids say they still like our old recipe better than this, but this is a welcome change for something different. they are very easy and pretty foolproof.

3 c. flour-I'm going to try a GF mix next time 1 1/2 t. salt 1 T. sugar 1 1/2 t. baking powder 1 stick butter 3/4 c. buttermilk--if you don't have buttermilk, you can make your own! 3/4 cup milk and 2 tsp lemon juice or, my standby, apple cider vinegar. Works like a charm. 1 egg 1/4 c. water

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Combine flour, salt, sugar, baking powder and butter until crumbly. Mix in buttermilk, egg and just enough water to make a workable dough. Mix the dough until it is just barely combined (don't over mix). Roll the dough onto a floured cutting board about 1 inch thick. Cut with a 2 inch biscuit cutter, or a 2 inch round cup. Place on a greased baking sheet (touching each other) and bake 12-15 minutes or until golden brown. Makes about 12-15 biscuits, depending how thick you make them.

Best Texas BBQ--the easy way

this has become one of my most favorite recipes to prepare for either a large crowd, which lets face it...is when the family is together.  or, when i need to cater a dinner.  so SO easy and it tastes like it came straight from the nearest BBQ restaurant. i got the brisket recipe from my friend sharon, who made it when i had, i think, baby #7.  she brought over this slab of beef and i marveled at how she could afford that much meat from Dickies ;)  she later told me she made it from a brisket.  wow.  i was so impressed.

she served with it, these yummo cheese potatoes, too.

the cole slaw.  well.  i have told you before about mr. stu.  the infamous cook husband of one of my dearest friends.  he creates recipes....i change them, lol.  he had this cole slaw one day while we were visiting and it had such a different spin on it.  i couldn't quite figure out what it was, but once i saw the recipe, i know.  it has bell pepper in it and horseradish.  those 2 things alone would make anything take on a completely different taste.

this meal has now become a much requested birthday meal, also.  this particular dinner, mac and cheese was requested (or maybe not and it was the closest thing i could come up with in the time frame we had) and normally, i would do homemade pintos.  i am assuming i WAS short on time, since these are canned bush beans.

Brisket Recipe

Go get ya a brisket.  Now, I have heard they don't have those everywhere, so i'm not sure what to use if you can't get one.  TIP:  I got this tip from a butcher.  if you get a full, untrimmed brisket, get one you can fold as much in half as you can.  the tighter you can fold it up, the less fat and more meat it has.  you are paying by the pound, so you want the most meat.  i always get the untrimmed ones (unless there is a huge sale) because they tend to be more tender and moist once cooked.

Put brisket in a large pan. Brew 2 pots of coffee and pour over the brisket. Cover and cook for 23 hours at 200 degrees. Take out and tear brisket apart and scrape off fat. Put in a 9X13 dish. Pour sauce on top and bake uncovered for 1 hour.

• 16 oz. Ketchup
• 3 dashes Tobasco sauce
• 1 (10 oz) can Coke
• 1 tsp pepper
• 2 Tbsp liquid smoke
• 2 Tbsp yellow mustard
• 2 Tbsp Worst. Sauce
• 3 Tbsp brown sugar

Mix sauce as desired, i.e. add more sugar for a sweeter sauce, etc.  I usually make a double batch of this to make sure we have saucy meat and to also keep on hand for bbq chicken on the grill....just freeze your leftovers from this meal. Yummy!!!

cole slaw and potato recipe.......to be continuted.

i CAN see the forest......

on days, weeks, months like this, it is hard to see the big picture.  we have had the flu at our house {for weeks, now} and it seems like this is the way it has always been.  someone coughing or snorting their way to breathing.  and its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  after months of unemployment, it is hard to see that anything will change. and.

i have to remember that there have been days and weeks like this before.  not necessarily with unemployment, but with sickness.  heavens.  there was a season when several of the children had chicken pox....one right after the other.  it was hard to see a day coming when we could just all go out and play.

that season is {thankfully} over.

and it is in remembering those {very difficult}  seasons that i remember the faithfulness of god is never ceasing.  his mercies never come to an end.  they are new every morning.  the new morning may not be 24 hours later, but the new morning is coming.

this is one of the hardest things for me to stay on top of.  that what i am seeing right now in front of my face is not what it's all about.

there is a much bigger picture and it is not the tree {job situation, illness, relationship} in front of me.  it is an eternal work that he is doing in me and those around me. that there is a forest beyond the tree.

Tonza's story

I met a beautiful woman the week before Christmas. she makes and sells the most beautiful, simple jewelry. i was curious as to how she began her business and she told me she didn't know she had this gift in her until her mama died. her story is so encouraging to me. how we walk through our pain to find the beauty god has in us. here is her story:

Tonza’s Story

With today being 12/12/12 and the anniversary of my mother’s birth, I thought it would befitting to tell my story as it relates to the inception of the name Rubie’s Daughters (Hand-made creations).

On June 12, 2011, I received a phone call that changed my life forever. My sister Sherna (the other half of Rubie’s Daughters Hand-made creations) called to tell me that Mama was being rushed to the hospital. The call came in, I am guessing around 11:30 pm. I called my friend Vera and asked that she join me in prayer as I strongly felt that intercessory prayer was very necessary as it related to Mama’s healing. Sherna periodically called to update me of Mama’s condition. She informed me that the paramedics were administering CPR and later told me that they ceased the chest compressions as Mama had begun to breathe on her own (Oh if only you knew how much I praised God). Sherna called me back to tell me that the doctor said that it didn’t look good…. She later reported that Mama didn’t make it. What???? I couldn’t believe she had passed, thinking she only needed CPR. How difficult could that have been, I thought. Oh, how I had pleaded and begged God to totally heal my Mama. I could not believe this had happened-surely not after touching and agreeing in prayer. I wondered what really went wrong. Was it that Mama called for help too late or was it that I didn’t have enough faith for her healing? What was it? I had so many questions for God. (We later learned that Mama’s unexpected death was caused by what the doctor believed to have been a heart-attack. But that did not settle me enough). I still had so many questions within myself). After hanging up the phone with Sherna, I was simply numb. I went to my closet and pulled out a quilt that my Mama made (I later learned after going through some of my Mama’s belongings at her home - that particular quilt was called Seven Years of Trouble. When I inquired about the name of the quilt to Mama’s sister, (aunt) Bernice, she explained that it would often take people seven years to make as it was stitched by hand with very small pieces of fabric). I just curled up in a chair with that quilt like a baby. I was so grateful to God that I had that tangible source of comfort that He allowed Mama to make for such a time as this. You see the last time I had seen my Mama, who lived three hours away; a month earlier, insisted that I take the quilt home with me as she had recently completed it.

Mama transitioned to Heaven shortly after midnight (God’s timing is surely perfect). Mama had a flower that she was so passionate about- that we referred to as the Midnight Bloom as it only bloomed after dark around midnight. Oh how Mama enjoyed watching that flower bloom to the point that she would even have family over to celebrate with punch the blooming of the flower. Oh yeah, back to God’s timing, of Mama’s transition to Heaven; you see Mama bloomed in Heaven shortly after midnight (which was June 13, 2011). Wow- what a sovereign God we serve!

Sherna and I began crafting a lot. I mean a lot. Sherna had already been involved in sewing and some crafting. But I hadn’t sewn or done anything in the area of crafting for years. Looking back, I think Sherna and I both knew that we had to do something with that kind of pain, although it was an unspoken plan. The crafting proved and is proving to be quite therapeutic (And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose- Romans 8:28). So one day Sherna and I were sitting around, probably crafting and Sherna thought it would be a great idea (which later proved to be a God-idea) to start a business and name it after Mama, hence the name Rubie’s Daughters.

So often when I would participate in a craftsmen/art market, people would inquire of the name Rubie’s Daughters and wondered how I found the time to make so many accessories. While shaking my head, I would respond in a manner similar to this, “Do you really want to know? “ I would then explain that the creations were birthed from so much pain and that I really did not know that I had it (a creative side) within me. I would further explain how God took the pain and caused something beautiful to be birthed.

When I initially began creating things, I began with cloth flower brooches that I made from recycled blue jeans and other garments. I felt that marrying two of Mama’s passions were just oh so beautiful; Quilting and working in her flower garden. Hence the flower brooch made of cloth. I would later name one of the most colorful flower brooches “The Midnight Bloom”.

So today on my dear Mother’s birthday, I offer my story to you. I would be remiss not to mention my mother’s greatest passion; to tell others about her Savior Jesus Christ in an effort to win souls to Him. Because of her teaching and exemplary lifestyle, her God became and is my God. Since He is changing the verbiage and manner in which I share my story, I would like to share the scriptures that He has impressed upon my heart:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3)

God has shown me over and over again that little becomes much, when you place it in the Master’s hand. My heart’s desire is that when others see and admire my work; that they will see His Glory that He might be praised for the wonderful work He has done!

Tonza VaZelle DeBerry

One of Rubie’s Daughters

pictures

like all of america, i have had my mind and heart turned toward the tragedy this past week in Connecticut.  i have seen pictures of sweet baby faces that are now gone. and while this may look a little like self promotion, it is not.  far from it.  and i truly hope my heart comes through......it is an encouragement to all of us who are so busy we forget to document the small moments.

there is a story behind me taking pictures....and lots of them.  and why i have a love for family portraits.

about 18 years ago....actually 18 years ago this past thanksgiving, i had a sweet friend go through the unthinkable...she lost her 4 year old son in an accident.

i had just had my 5th baby.

i was heartbroken for her, as i know many were and i know we all would be if one of our friends had to walk through this.

and life moved on.  i am sure not for her, as he was her baby (at the time) and they had all been pretty banged up from the accident...physically and then most assuredly, emotionally.

one day, we were chatting on the phone.  i was {i am sure} communicating how busy and hectic life was for me at the time with a new little one.  i had mentioned to her that i wanted to get the children's pictures done while the baby was still little.  she asked me if i had an appointment and i said no, no yet.  she then told me to set the appointment and she would come help me.

i was grateful.  at that time, i had a newborn, a 2 year old, 3 year old, 5 year old and 9 year old. it was a task i was not looking forward to.  i accepted, no questions asked--outloud, but i was questioning her being so adamant about helping me with this.

the morning came for her to come help and while we were getting the babies ready for pictures, she shared her heart with me.

she told me that she had never gotten around to getting pictures done with her little guy.  yes, she had snapshots...but nothing formal.  nothing to really capture the moments and years in his little life.  she admonished me...to make and take every effort to get a family picture done on a regular basis.  because you never know what will happen and if and when someone in your picture won't be there any longer.

this was 18 years ago.  you think it made an impact on me?  lol.

there is not a portrait i take that i don't think about the words from this friend.  not one.

my heart just aches for these families that are going through such a horrible horrible time.  and it reminds me, as it does all of us, to hug my children, love my husband, share my gratitude for my friends and family and to realize nothing is guaranteed.  nothing is promised.

capture the moments.

9 little kittens who lost their mittens........

i have held on to these mittens for 30 years now....or at least 1 of each set :) i am not much on sentimentality.  i am pretty much a suck it up and move on kind of person.  i toss things that aren't needed.

except these mittens...for some reason.  and they always came out when it got cold and we would sort through them and put the unmatched ones and the ones that didn't fit any longer back in the box.

until 8 years ago.

in our kitchen, we have a huge window....ok...in the nook/dining area.  i love the light it lets in!  but it is a big, bare window.

during our first christmas season in this house, it turned cold.  we pulled out the mittens and gloves.  there was this huge stack of mismatched and too littles.....and i had a lightbulb moment.

why not use them for decorations?  I hung a string from end to end of the window and hung the mittens like a clothesline.

it has become one of my most favorite decorations.  and it's always is the topic of conversation...whether with friends or family....who's is who's and who wore that one and remember when's........

to fill in the empty spaces on the line, we even put our current, matching sets up there....its kinda funny when it snows and they are hanging up, to have the kids go get their gloves from the line :)  they'll even wear them mis-matched, which makes for great pictures!

i went to go find them last night.  they weren't in their regular spot.  my heart skipped a little.  remembering back on last year, i remember pulling them out of our ever growing box (that couldn't close any longer) and deciding they just needed to go with the regular decorations. we bagged them up and put them with the decorations.

they aren't there.

this brings tears now, as i type....i am going miss all those itty bitty mittens....one pair was from my oldest when she was 6 months old.  they all held lots of memories

i am thankful for the tears...it means there is a part of my heart that is healing...a part that holds on to things that mean a LOT....a part that is sentimental :)

i am praying they are just misplaced.  i have this feeling they ended up in a 'let's clean the garage and anything that doesn't belong needs to go' spree.....

whatever the cause for the missing mittens....i am so thankful god prompted me to take pictures of them....just last year.

and i am thankful for the memories these little mittens hold.

a little {f}unny

i have told this story several times, so if you've heard it before, just scroll on :)

i homeschooled for 18 years. during that time, the children were too young to be left alone for very long. we lived in mckinney, texas and there was not a walmart or sams close by (which is where all large families need to shop, lol). we used to make the day of it. it was a 30 minute drive to both, as they were side by side. most times, it took us 2 baskets to get what we needed. if it was during the winter, it took 3. one to hold all the coats :) we were a sight to behold, i am sure. all (at the time) 7 children, me pregnant with another and basket upon basket with groceries and kids piled in and on.

during this particular season, my children had gotten a little sassy with each other. one would say something and the other would respond with FINE....it got to where i was hearing this word more times each day than i cared to....and with an attitude.

so. i did what any good mom would do ;) i grounded them from saying the word. if they can't use it the right way, they lost the privilege of sayin the word at all.

and now we are at walmart. all three baskets brimming full, heading to the check out line. we are standing in line, when i realized i forgot something. i told the kids to all sit there quietly. i assigned who would put groceries on the belt and who would sit by the littler ones if i wasn't back before it was our turn.

i am sure you know this feeling.

i am across the store....speed walking as fast as a pregnant mama can go (not very fast, lol) and all of a sudden, i hear screamed across the way........

"MOM.....JORDAN SAID THE 'F' WORD!!!!!!!!!

talk about humbling.

its just a house....part 2

continued...... we got to town early and decided to run by the house. as we drove down the street, i was in shock. this house was not the house i remembered. it looked a tad bit familiar, but not at all like the house i lived in.

i asked chuck to slow down so i could take it all in. then i asked if we could pull up into the driveway and just let me look. he said yes. we pulled up and a man walked from the barn to the house. he stopped and looked at us...hehe....you know that feeling when someone drives up to your house and you're like 'who is THAT and what do they want?'....well he had that look.

i introduced myself by my maiden name. his eyebrows rose up. i said 'i used to live here'...he said 'i know you did'....i told him about my friend messaging me and then he asked if i would like to go in and see the house.

of course i said YES!

we walk in, and of course i recognize the house, but it is different. it has been taken care of. Rick, the owner of the house, tells me of what he has done. as we walk through, i am able to recount the way things were, and what was here and what went there, etc.....he agreed with me and corrected me when i got mixed up...but that only happened once, maybe? i remembered with clarity the way the house WAS....

but this was a different house. it has the same shell....rick told me they gutted the thing. kept what they wanted and needed to, but for the most part, it was a brand. new. house.

rick did tell me that when they first walked through it, he noticed some things that looked wrong...he said he looked at his wife and said 'child abuse has happened in this house'...well, that shook me to the core as you can imagine....and I told him-yes. It did.

i walked room to room like i did 19 years ago. some parts held a bit of a grasp on me, but it was like walking in a completely different place.

rick also told me of how they took the house off the foundation it was on and moved it 6 feet to prepare a solid foundation to replace the old one.....wow....6 feet and then back.

the love this family has for this house. the care they took in re-doing it. the detail they paid attention to. it was incredible.

so. so beautiful was this house.

we chatted, and then before things became awkward ;) we left.

they did tell us they had lived in the barn while building and are planning on opening a bed and breakfast in the barn after the 1st of the year.

we got in the car, drove off and i asked chuck if he would drive around the block and let me look at it one more time. and again, he said yes.....as we drove up, i started shooting pictures....this is one of the pictures i got....

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on to the game we go.

i am still in shock over what i have seen and can not completely comprehend it. i am silent as i absorb it all. but on to the game we go :)

a friend from high school got us some tickets and we were finding our seats when another friend came up. she asked how our day had been and i begin by showing her this picture.

she said, 'that's the house that's in the football program'....i was puzzled and she insisted it was. she said, 'isn't it so beautiful??'...my response was, 'yes, it is, but you should see the inside!...it is SO incredible.'

god spoke. he said, 'that's what i say about you'.

i just wept.

its been such a hard road. and *I* know what i have been through and what *I* have done. i know the ugly, the hard, the abuse, the old junk. but he took me.... he took me off the foundation i had grown up on. the shaky foundation. and he moved me onto a firm foundation. he basically gutted me, LOL....and restored the inside of me...kept what he wanted to for future use and created something so much better.

i could go on and on about the similarities, comparisons and pictures he gave me that night and he is still doing.

maybe i will continue to share as it develops.

the last thing: he told me: just as anyone driving by now would not know what happened in that house, people who know you now don't know who you used to be. you keep trying to be the old house, when i made you brand new. let the old die. begin living in the new house i built for you.

i do know that i am hoping to be one of the 1st to stay in the bed and breakfast. i have asked them for that :)

i know there is deeper healing for me as i go and stay....and let god love on me and heal some of those old wounds.

if you'd like to see more of the house, visit this blog. leave a comment, if you wish. i know the new owners would love to hear what others are seeing and saying!! its http://horse-apple-hill.blogspot.com

its just a house.......part 1......

i have a fascination with houses...or maybe i should say homes.  i think because i didn't grow up in a home....i grew up in a house.  many of them.  growing up military, i was in 2 schools every year, which meant i was in at least 3 houses a year, depending on the time year we were re-stationed.  if you have read {or listened} to much of my story, you know that i was abused most of my growing up years by my step-father.  when the abuse was initially revealed, i was in the 6th grade--in California.  he was given a dishonorable discharge from the Marines, but never formally disciplined.  i was removed from the home but was soon placed back in it.  i am still unclear as to why my mom went back to this man or why the military didn't follow up with our lives, but things went back to the way they were before.   i am also unclear as to why we settled in commerce, texas.  there was a university there and my step-father got to keep his GI bill for schooling, that much is clear, but the why there is still a mystery. we moved into what my mom called 'a mansion'.  it was a fixer-upper.  i remember hearing plans of living there forever.  this was to be my home.  and it was in some respects.   because we were never planted any where for very long, this became my 'home town'.  this home became my home. it also became the place of more abuse--and a deep, dark time in my life

i moved out as soon as i could.  i was 16.

and vowed never to go back to that house.   it held too many bad memories for me.

several years went by and i had walked through some healing.  my step father had died years before, therefore, it was safe for me to go back.

and.

it was time to face some demons.

i got the courage to go to the house (even though every. single. time. i went back to commerce, i drove by it).

the woman my step-dad had lived with for many years still lived there.

somehow, i was able to knock on the door and ask if i could walk through the house.  she was very gracious.  i had never met her face to face--only heard about her.  i felt no urge to tell her how i had been treated by the man she lived with for years.

as i walked through the house, such a heaviness sat on my chest.  it was like i couldn't breathe.  i couldn't swallow.   we went from room to room and it looked exactly like it had when i left.  nothing had been done to improve it in any way.  it was creepy.  like a time capsule of my teenage years.

that house represented so much pain for me.  so much loss.  so much rejection.  so much abuse.  such a dark, dark, sad lonely place in my life.

i can't look at that house without remembering.

i have driven by that house for years.  and  i can always remember.

a couple of years ago, a friend from high school facebook messaged me telling me a friend of his bought the house and if i ever wanted to go through it, he would set it up......in my mind i said thanks, but no thanks.

here is what the house looked like as i remember it....some of the windows were boarded when i lived in it, but mostly they were really windows :)

last week, i had the amazing opportunity to shoot a wedding in arkansas.  i was led to do this job but not sure why.

it did happen to be the same weekend as my high school homecoming.  as a small town, this game has always held a special place in my heart-as i think it does others, too.   i haven't been able to go for many years. but really have wanted to.  so, this gave us an opportunity to head east and go to the game and then head on to the wedding.

little did i know what  message god had for me.

to be continued.......... ;)

photo complements of www.horse-apple-hill.blogspot.com

little did i know.......

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one day a couple of weeks ago, i was perusing instagram and came upon a picture that caught my heart.  it was the picture of an older couple.  the man is the father of a friend from years past.  a widower.  he has a girlfriend and the picture was of the 2 of them.  it was precious.  and it caught my heart.  i asked her if she would be open to me doing a photo session with them.  she said yes, but not sure when because they were getting married the next week.  wha???  i asked if they had a photographer, and would she consider me taking pictures of the wedding. as is always the case, money could have been an issue.  so, when god told me what to ask-- she accepted the offer.  we began making plans to get to arkansas for the wedding.

it so happened that my high school homecoming was the same weekend.

we had a plan. i would go to the football game, and then go to a bed and breakfast i found online.

i must admit, that i have been known to get into some doozy of deals.  it was a little unsettling not knowing what i was getting  into as far as a place to stay and getting to the wedding.

well....

little did i know that god had a plan for me.  being able to shoot this precious couple at their wedding was the bonus.

here are a few of my favorite pictures from the wedding-and more to come on the other plans god had

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this is the precious groom, being kissed by his daughter, on the left and his new daughter-in-law--but he calls her his mother-in-law....sooooo cute!

here is the beautiful bride getting all dolled up for her groom

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i think this may be my favorite...ok, i have a few, but this one cracks me up.....the groom saw his bride walking around the corner and whispered to the pastor 'where'd she come from?  this isn't how i'm used to seeing her'

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this is what all the kids did before and during and after the wedding.

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i whisked the couple away for a few minutes--to get some portraits...he was ready to jump in the truck and leave the whole shin-dig....so i started messing with him...i told him to nuzzle her neck just a little...he told me he didn't know how to do that anymore...she was going to have to show him.....it was so precious to watch this young {but knowing} love.

i told you he was in a hurry to leave.  i told him they had to cut the cake before they could leave on their honeymoon.  he got tired of messing with feeding each other and decided to handle it on his own......

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once things were ready to go ;) they hit the road.....

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and were so happy to do so!

and here is 'honey' explaining what a honeymoon is after this sweetie asked all about it!

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this will forever be such a special weekend for me.  not only being a small part of and watching this couple join two families together--two families that have known sadness and loss--into one big, giant family that now knows a new depth of love, but because of the other deep work god allowed me to go through while doing what he  put in my heart to do for them!!!!

rest under the tree

things have been cra-zeeee around here.  i have so many things in my head and heart.  i feel like like has been spinning out of control.  ever happen to you?  and.  God has me in a holding pattern.  i think.  i sure hope its Him and not me ;) i came across this picture earlier and it reminded me of the 2 trees....the tree of knowledge of good and evil and the tree of life.  my goal and the cry of my heart {and probably yours too, if you get still enough to listen} is the sit under the tree of life.  under that tree is rest.

when i sit here, i can hear God's name for me.  i can hear what He calls me.  i can see the purposes He has set before me. but it is such a discipline.  it is so hard to shut out all the noise of life.  of the 'what should i DOOOOOOOO's' of life when it gets crazy busy and crazy out of control.....

when i sit here, i feel i am to be walking --or taking baby steps--into a new direction.  i don't know what that is yet, but i feel it.  i sense it deep down.

how about you?  is your world spinning out of control?  do you sense a change?  do you need a change?

rest yourselves under the tree: and comfort your hearts

mucking the stall(s) and singing songs

I've been hearing a lot lately about how much people put on a face on face book and what is presented is the best of the best and not real life--kinda like those famous Christmas letters we all get ;) .  ok. let me ask YOU-- would you really put your junk out there fore people to trample?  i am {i like to think} as honest and transparent as they come....but i have learned the very hard way that i have to be very VERY careful what i share and with whom.  and since i post this link ON Facebook, i am opening myself  up really really big here....but....its the truth......

we have been going through a really difficult time lately.  God is good and He is providing, but.  we are now on our 13th week without a regular paycheck....we really haven't had one, but we have been blessed by some unexpected income...which is what i know God has used to provide moment by moment for us.

and

i have to be honest.  when things get tough and the refining process heats up, the impurities in me begin bubbling up and its not so pretty.  i have to battle lots of lies and old patterns of thinking.  well.  i also wish i could say i recognize it and jump on it before it gets me pinned down...but the reality is....i am usually a week or two later into the whole process when i begin thinking 'what's WRONG with me????'.....then i realize that the problem is that i lose sight of who i am and WHO'S i am....

thats when the mucking starts....i have to get out all the cr@p that i have let in and build up....it takes much shoveling and hard work....sifting out the lies from the truth....

and it is very difficult to do it alone....

and that's where relationship comes in.....

I have 2 very wise men who speak regularly into my life.  (really there are more, because my hubby is VERY wise and speaks REGULARLY into my life) but i have heard these 2 men speak of God putting a song in your heart...that the song was put there when he first thought of you {and me}. also, from the beginning, another song starts to be sung trying to get us to follow it and sing that song.  its not God's song.

when we forget the song god put in our heart, our friends.  our true friends will sing the song until we hear it again and can follow that tune.

i am so grateful for friends who do that.  i am grateful i have friends that trust me to do that for them when they can't hear the song in their heart.