His angels keep watch

I got one of those dreaded calls moms get. The one with a huge sob on the other end and only 'Mom' would come out. The one that makes your heart stop, or at least jump into your throat. The one where you panic inside and try to keep calm and find out what happened. Yea. One of those. it was gretchen.

she was on her way to work.

she tried to tell me what had happened, but i couldn't make heads or tails out of it.  all i got was that the window was busted and she was ok.  i wanted to go get her, but she reassured me she was ok and she was headed to work.

later that night, she explained what had happened.  sounded like a near miss to me.  like a miracle.  like god was truly watching out for her. when i asked her about it, she felt like the near miss was a punishment of some sort.  i HATE that.  we talked about it and she came around to the fact that truly he was watching over her and protected her.

i felt compelled to go by the 'scene' to see what i could see.

i was shocked.

i could do nothing but pray and praise jesus for keeping my little girl safe.

the pictures will show how close she came to, probably, losing her life.  while i was there, the intersection was empty.  i prayed and asked god to put a car in the position gretchen was in at the time.  that is this:

an 18-wheeler came upon a red light and was, ahem, distracted, it seems.  there were cars lined up at the red light, so he swerved to miss them and went into the grass, hitting, knocking over and bending signs. the light was green (for what would have been this white truck) for gretchen.  she said she did not know what made her NOT move, but she didn't.  she looked over and saw this truck coming at her and said she literally thought she was gonna die.

the truck came, it looks like to me about 2-3 inches from hitting her straight on.

he never stopped.  he just hit the highway and kept on going.

i am amazed and oh. so. thankful i have my 17 year old precious daughter still here.  and i am so glad she is beginning to see how much he loves her to protect her like he did.  and!  i am so glad he is not done with her yet and she is beginning to see she has a purpose to be here.

its just a house....part 2

continued...... we got to town early and decided to run by the house. as we drove down the street, i was in shock. this house was not the house i remembered. it looked a tad bit familiar, but not at all like the house i lived in.

i asked chuck to slow down so i could take it all in. then i asked if we could pull up into the driveway and just let me look. he said yes. we pulled up and a man walked from the barn to the house. he stopped and looked at us...hehe....you know that feeling when someone drives up to your house and you're like 'who is THAT and what do they want?'....well he had that look.

i introduced myself by my maiden name. his eyebrows rose up. i said 'i used to live here'...he said 'i know you did'....i told him about my friend messaging me and then he asked if i would like to go in and see the house.

of course i said YES!

we walk in, and of course i recognize the house, but it is different. it has been taken care of. Rick, the owner of the house, tells me of what he has done. as we walk through, i am able to recount the way things were, and what was here and what went there, etc.....he agreed with me and corrected me when i got mixed up...but that only happened once, maybe? i remembered with clarity the way the house WAS....

but this was a different house. it has the same shell....rick told me they gutted the thing. kept what they wanted and needed to, but for the most part, it was a brand. new. house.

rick did tell me that when they first walked through it, he noticed some things that looked wrong...he said he looked at his wife and said 'child abuse has happened in this house'...well, that shook me to the core as you can imagine....and I told him-yes. It did.

i walked room to room like i did 19 years ago. some parts held a bit of a grasp on me, but it was like walking in a completely different place.

rick also told me of how they took the house off the foundation it was on and moved it 6 feet to prepare a solid foundation to replace the old one.....wow....6 feet and then back.

the love this family has for this house. the care they took in re-doing it. the detail they paid attention to. it was incredible.

so. so beautiful was this house.

we chatted, and then before things became awkward ;) we left.

they did tell us they had lived in the barn while building and are planning on opening a bed and breakfast in the barn after the 1st of the year.

we got in the car, drove off and i asked chuck if he would drive around the block and let me look at it one more time. and again, he said yes.....as we drove up, i started shooting pictures....this is one of the pictures i got....

IMG_4988

on to the game we go.

i am still in shock over what i have seen and can not completely comprehend it. i am silent as i absorb it all. but on to the game we go :)

a friend from high school got us some tickets and we were finding our seats when another friend came up. she asked how our day had been and i begin by showing her this picture.

she said, 'that's the house that's in the football program'....i was puzzled and she insisted it was. she said, 'isn't it so beautiful??'...my response was, 'yes, it is, but you should see the inside!...it is SO incredible.'

god spoke. he said, 'that's what i say about you'.

i just wept.

its been such a hard road. and *I* know what i have been through and what *I* have done. i know the ugly, the hard, the abuse, the old junk. but he took me.... he took me off the foundation i had grown up on. the shaky foundation. and he moved me onto a firm foundation. he basically gutted me, LOL....and restored the inside of me...kept what he wanted to for future use and created something so much better.

i could go on and on about the similarities, comparisons and pictures he gave me that night and he is still doing.

maybe i will continue to share as it develops.

the last thing: he told me: just as anyone driving by now would not know what happened in that house, people who know you now don't know who you used to be. you keep trying to be the old house, when i made you brand new. let the old die. begin living in the new house i built for you.

i do know that i am hoping to be one of the 1st to stay in the bed and breakfast. i have asked them for that :)

i know there is deeper healing for me as i go and stay....and let god love on me and heal some of those old wounds.

if you'd like to see more of the house, visit this blog. leave a comment, if you wish. i know the new owners would love to hear what others are seeing and saying!! its http://horse-apple-hill.blogspot.com

she's all that {and a bag of chips}

sassy picture, huh?  sassy post title, huh?  well, part of it came from my kids...who are loving having a mom who is free :)

on the other part......

i read in a blog a few days ago (wish i could remember where so i could link up to it, but can't).  this post was talking about our insecurities of being too much or being too little--saying too much, or too little.  this spoke to a deep place in my heart.  there are so many times when i don't feel like i measure up--like i am not enough.  i can usually deal with those thoughts pretty quickly and fairly completely . i kind of know i will never measure up to other people's expectations, but as long as i am being who god called me to be, i am walking in obedience.  especially because he is the one i will answer to.

the harder part to accept is when i am too much.  i can not tell you how many times and ways i beat myself up over being 'too much'.  so many days i have walked out of a meeting, a discussion, a dinner or even church...and regurgitate how i coulda, shoulda, and woulda done things differently...and how next time, i will keep.my.mouth.shut.and.my.hands.to.my.side.

god has done a great work of healing my broken heart....i am more free than i have ever, EVER been.  and with that freedom should be the freedom to be me.  not sure how others see it in me, but sometimes, i feel i am just too much.  laugh too loudly, share too much, cry too easily, worship with my whole being....just too much sometimes.....

and yet....i know god wants me to be who he created me to be....laugh from deep in my belly :D, share my heart of hearts with those who are safe, shed tears of joy and of grief and to worship HIM, who did it ALL....HE made me....ALL of me.....and HE wants me to share everything he has given.  even when it seems like it is too much :)

linked up today with chatting at the sky and sweet shot tuesday and life with kaishon

grace for me

God extends his grace to me in so many, many ways....here is just one.  to have a plan, and know that he has another, and to go with that other one takes his grace.  grace to accept my children for who they are and not who i would want them to be (we all know how well that works).  grace is staying in the moment and enjoying it....knowing that it will never come packaged exactly like it was today. our my feeble attempt at a family picture.....

sharing today with chatting at the sky

pure grace

this girl.....our kaitlyn grace....turns 20 tomorrow!!!  this girl.....who's name was given by God before we even knew she was a she or that I was even pregnant for that matter...kaitlyn grace....means 'pure grace'.  this girl....has such a call on her life that the enemy has tried in various ways in her 20 short years to take her down and out....this girl...was born in the car on the way to the hospital.  the story is one that will be told many, many more times, because it is so funny and sooooo kaitlyn.  i used to say....we could have been IN the hospital and she would have waited till we were out of it to be born.  I will absolutely write about her birth...another time.  this day is to celebrate all that God has done in her life.  all that she is.  all that she is going to be.  she is a precious jewel in the crown I wear called motherhood.  of course, being 20 {and a girl}, says a lot of  {unsaid} things about our relationship.  we have had so many ups and downs and God keeps her near to my heart...and I know his.   this girl....the one who decided she needed to move away to stretch her wings.....the wings I purpose to NOT clip--only i want to so badly so that she stays close to home....always....but god told me long ago that she would not stay close....he told me she is like an Amy Carmichael--only in the opposite way...see, its a good thing for me she was born in the car...God knew I needed that....that there would be no mistake she was mine.  and with skin the color of hers...there would have been some question ;) ....when she was 2, she told me she wanted a black baby doll...because their legs were dark like hers.  she used to say when she grew up, she wanted to be white, like her older sister.....God showed me...that she would easily be able to go into countries that others would not be able to--because of her coloring and her eyes....she has the blackest eyes i have ever seen....so beautiful...so open to what God has....so vulnerable.  yet, she is one smart cookie....and funny...our family has never laughed like we do when kaitlyn is in one of her funny moods....

we have said over the years that god knew what he was doing in naming her....that it has taken pure grace to raise this daughter....but i am learning that he named her also for the pure grace she shows to me....her mom...in my many mistakes in raising her, in loving her or in failing to love her the way i should....he knew her before she was born....i have learned so many of my parenting skills just from this one. little. bitty. girl.

happy birthday, my sweet kk.  you are loved beyond measure and i hope and pray you feel it deep in your heart.  i pray that the in the next 20 years, you will continue to see the hand on god on your life...that you see the hard things in life as treasures and that HE loves you more than you can imagine.

home...

ok..so i did not take this picture, but i wanted to write about a dream i had and this is the closest thing i could find to communicate the image i have about it. i had a dream a while back...in this dream i was a servant girl living in a mud hut...i was dirty, worn and tired.  i was fighting fire breathing dragons that were attacking me and my hut.  i was trapped in my little hut with no way out.  i was alone.  i was crying out for help, and what i got was things being thrown at me....books, tapes, seminars, conferences...(you get the idea?)...i could not use them for the job at hand...they were tools but not the right ones for this job.  as i was beating a dragon away, i got my foot in the door and could only see out that much.  what i saw was a castle.  it was sitting up on a hill far away...but as i saw it, i KNEW that was where i belonged....not in the mud hut.  and in the foreground was a knight...riding a white horse.  HE was who was going to take me to my castle.  i realized then that i was a princess, not a servant girl and my home was a castle, not a mud hut and that this MAN was going to fight for me....and HE came and fought my dragons for me so that i could leave the place i was trapped and live where i belonged.

i started to name this 'the right tools' but even that sounds like something WE have to do or use to get where we want to be or where we belong. god has shown me that it is HIM...HE does the work, all i have to do is follow.  HE has made a way for me...to live like the royalty i am...it was me who could not see past the walls of my circumstances to see the big picture of who i am and who he is and how much he wants me living with him in my home....his heart.

this brings to my heart this song.....

linked today with one nutty girl :), chatting at the sky and so much shouting, so much laughter and a holy experience

sing and dance to an audience of ONE

we all have wounds...wounds that come very early in life....and we all respond in different ways to cope with those wounds...when there is abuse, especially sexual abuse, the effects are horrendous.  I had years of it....and my means of coping was to make everyone happy, not stir the pot, so to speak and fade into the woodwork....my identity became what others said i was and what i could meld into to make someone like me or just not hate me~or abuse me.  i didn't see this for a very long time...it had, in essence, become my addiction....to make everyone around me happy and take care of everyone.

this went on for many, many years and i would like to say it stopped when i became a christian.  but the nasty truth of it was that it got worse...so, so much worse...i tried to cover the dirty-ness with appearances, facades, and works.  i was the 'ask ginny, she'll do anything' person.  i was known for my 'servant's heart' and my quickly taking responsibilities and jobs that no one else would do.  i was trying hard to make people like me and please those around me.  and i was miserable.  i thought my misery would go away the more i worked at it and the more i stayed busy....

god used some dire circumstances to open my eyes and heart to what HE wanted from me and for me....i have 9 children....after the 9th, i became pregnant with and lost #10 3 times....the second time, i began hemorrhaging and almost died...i was broken hearted, but the worst of it was that during this time my husband decided he did not want our family any longer.  i fought for 2 years and lost.  i had to ask my husband to leave when it became abusive...realizing our home had already been in that state for a long time, but was just now healthy enough to see it for what it was.....when 'the church' heard what was 'going down', i was given books to read, conferences to go to and advice.  and was told i was in rebellion to do ask him to leave (not intending divorce, just wanted him healed and to take responsibility for his own healing).  i also had to decide to put my children in school (which after 18 years of schooling them--was traumatic itself)....i had a battle in that~from the homeschooling community to the public schools~nothing i could do would please anyone....god began showing me HE was the ONLY one i needed to please....HE was the ONLY one that i would stand accountable to when i got to heaven.  it has not been easy~not by a stretch~and i am not advocating ANYone doing what i have had to do...but i do know GOD has led me this far and i have learned to not take a step (okay, I am still working this one out) without HIS telling me TO do it and WHEN and WHERE to do it.  I call it putting blinders on~like a horse with blinders...i have to put my blinders on to shut out the noise of the world and well meaning people to hear the voice of MY GOD.

today I am linked up with chattingatthesky, aholyexperience, shout laugh and love and sweet shot tuesday

grace and mercy

if you have ever forgotten your lunch or have a child who has forgotten their lunch, you know what a hassle it is for everyone!!  with 7 kids in school and all the forgotten things, i have run plum out of patience.  reagan had forgotten it one too many times this year when i told her, "if you forget it again, don't call me.  you will just need to do without."....well, she remembered very well.....until friday :(  she called me and hung up....called again and i could tell she was SCARED.  she said she forgot it and the teacher made her call me.  i told her i would take care of it for her.  as i was walking out the door with her lunch, God prompted me to put in some strawberries (that she had been eyeing all morning) and a little love note. when she got home from school, she had the biggest grin on her face....God then downloaded (that is the best description I have) a lesson in this...i told her...reagan, this is what grace and mercy look like.  grace is NOT getting what we deserved...in this instance, a forfeited lunch and hunger.  AND, mercy is getting what we DON'T deserve....again...the extra treat of strawberries and a love note.....

isn't that JUST what God does for us???  He shows us His grace by not giving us what we deserve and giving us what we don't.....day after day!!!!  I am so grateful for His love~grace and mercy......

what about you?  What are those times that you have NOT gotten what you did deserve and when are those times when you have been given what you didn't deserve?????