i recently returned from serving on an event that ministers to and speaks to women and who (and whose) they are. one of the speakers mentioned a bible verse that was like a 2x4 between the eyes to me.
now, the humor in this to me, is that while homeschooling and using the curriculum we did for most of our 18 years of home education, we read this verse no less than one day each month of the year (with the exception of February, since the calendar never reached this date). i never saw this scripture this way.
it is:
Proverbs: 30:21 and 23. 'under 3 things the earth quakes, and under 4 it cannot bear up: under an unloved woman when she gets a husband'.
these passages speak VOLUMES to me. i have been that unloved woman. how many women do you know, or you are yourself, who wasn't loved growing up? doesn't love herself? and doesn't know the love our God has for her? when we marry and are not loved or don't know that love, we look to a man to complete us or fulfill in us only those things God can. and are we surely disappointed? and are others in us? and how miserable we make everyone around us? WOW....i had never seen this verse like this or understood it this way.
we as women have GOT to get to the place we know who we are, WHOSE we are, that we are loved, we love ourselves and allow God to heal those wounds of being unloved as children. only then can we truly walk and love in freedom.
my prayer for me and mine and really any i walk with is:
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God~Ephesians 3:16-19
ok..so i did not take this picture, but i wanted to write about a dream i had and this is the closest thing i could find to communicate the image i have about it.
i had a dream a while back...in this dream i was a servant girl living in a mud hut...i was dirty, worn and tired. i was fighting fire breathing dragons that were attacking me and my hut. i was trapped in my little hut with no way out. i was alone. i was crying out for help, and what i got was things being thrown at me....books, tapes, seminars, conferences...(you get the idea?)...i could not use them for the job at hand...they were tools but not the right ones for this job. as i was beating a dragon away, i got my foot in the door and could only see out that much. what i saw was a castle. it was sitting up on a hill far away...but as i saw it, i KNEW that was where i belonged....not in the mud hut. and in the foreground was a knight...riding a white horse. HE was who was going to take me to my castle. i realized then that i was a princess, not a servant girl and my home was a castle, not a mud hut and that this MAN was going to fight for me....and HE came and fought my dragons for me so that i could leave the place i was trapped and live where i belonged.
we all have wounds...wounds that come very early in life....and we all respond in different ways to cope with those wounds...when there is abuse, especially sexual abuse, the effects are horrendous. I had years of it....and my means of coping was to make everyone happy, not stir the pot, so to speak and fade into the woodwork....my identity became what others said i was and what i could meld into to make someone like me or just not hate me~or abuse me. i didn't see this for a very long time...it had, in essence, become my addiction....to make everyone around me happy and take care of everyone.
i LOVE my children...i am sure there are moms who really don't, but I am not one of them and I really don't know many who don't. problem is, for me, i don't show it to them enough....sure, i read the bible with them, and clean their clothes and make sure they have good food to eat and 
if you have ever forgotten your lunch or have a child who has forgotten their lunch, you know what a hassle it is for everyone!! with 7 kids in school and all the forgotten things, i have run plum out of patience. reagan had forgotten it one too many times this year when i told her, "if you forget it again, don't call me. you will just need to do without."....well, she remembered very well.....until friday :( she called me and hung up....called again and i could tell she was SCARED. she said she forgot it and the teacher made her call me. i told her i would take care of it for her. as i was walking out the door with her lunch, God prompted me to put in some strawberries (that she had been eyeing all morning) and a little love note.
when she got home from school, she had the biggest grin on her face....God then downloaded (that is the best description I have) a lesson in this...i told her...reagan, this is what grace and mercy look like. grace is NOT getting what we deserved...in this instance, a forfeited lunch and hunger. AND, mercy is getting what we DON'T deserve....again...the extra treat of strawberries and a love note.....