she's all that {and a bag of chips}

sassy picture, huh?  sassy post title, huh?  well, part of it came from my kids...who are loving having a mom who is free :)

on the other part......

i read in a blog a few days ago (wish i could remember where so i could link up to it, but can't).  this post was talking about our insecurities of being too much or being too little--saying too much, or too little.  this spoke to a deep place in my heart.  there are so many times when i don't feel like i measure up--like i am not enough.  i can usually deal with those thoughts pretty quickly and fairly completely . i kind of know i will never measure up to other people's expectations, but as long as i am being who god called me to be, i am walking in obedience.  especially because he is the one i will answer to.

the harder part to accept is when i am too much.  i can not tell you how many times and ways i beat myself up over being 'too much'.  so many days i have walked out of a meeting, a discussion, a dinner or even church...and regurgitate how i coulda, shoulda, and woulda done things differently...and how next time, i will keep.my.mouth.shut.and.my.hands.to.my.side.

god has done a great work of healing my broken heart....i am more free than i have ever, EVER been.  and with that freedom should be the freedom to be me.  not sure how others see it in me, but sometimes, i feel i am just too much.  laugh too loudly, share too much, cry too easily, worship with my whole being....just too much sometimes.....

and yet....i know god wants me to be who he created me to be....laugh from deep in my belly :D, share my heart of hearts with those who are safe, shed tears of joy and of grief and to worship HIM, who did it ALL....HE made me....ALL of me.....and HE wants me to share everything he has given.  even when it seems like it is too much :)

linked up today with chatting at the sky and sweet shot tuesday and life with kaishon

a thin place

what happens when something changes the course of your life?  God meets you there :)  I have been blessed beyond measure to be able to share a small piece of the beginning of my life, my story on Mary DeMuth's blog section call thin place.  you can read about my {one on my many} thin place here.

sing and dance to an audience of ONE

we all have wounds...wounds that come very early in life....and we all respond in different ways to cope with those wounds...when there is abuse, especially sexual abuse, the effects are horrendous.  I had years of it....and my means of coping was to make everyone happy, not stir the pot, so to speak and fade into the woodwork....my identity became what others said i was and what i could meld into to make someone like me or just not hate me~or abuse me.  i didn't see this for a very long time...it had, in essence, become my addiction....to make everyone around me happy and take care of everyone.

this went on for many, many years and i would like to say it stopped when i became a christian.  but the nasty truth of it was that it got worse...so, so much worse...i tried to cover the dirty-ness with appearances, facades, and works.  i was the 'ask ginny, she'll do anything' person.  i was known for my 'servant's heart' and my quickly taking responsibilities and jobs that no one else would do.  i was trying hard to make people like me and please those around me.  and i was miserable.  i thought my misery would go away the more i worked at it and the more i stayed busy....

god used some dire circumstances to open my eyes and heart to what HE wanted from me and for me....i have 9 children....after the 9th, i became pregnant with and lost #10 3 times....the second time, i began hemorrhaging and almost died...i was broken hearted, but the worst of it was that during this time my husband decided he did not want our family any longer.  i fought for 2 years and lost.  i had to ask my husband to leave when it became abusive...realizing our home had already been in that state for a long time, but was just now healthy enough to see it for what it was.....when 'the church' heard what was 'going down', i was given books to read, conferences to go to and advice.  and was told i was in rebellion to do ask him to leave (not intending divorce, just wanted him healed and to take responsibility for his own healing).  i also had to decide to put my children in school (which after 18 years of schooling them--was traumatic itself)....i had a battle in that~from the homeschooling community to the public schools~nothing i could do would please anyone....god began showing me HE was the ONLY one i needed to please....HE was the ONLY one that i would stand accountable to when i got to heaven.  it has not been easy~not by a stretch~and i am not advocating ANYone doing what i have had to do...but i do know GOD has led me this far and i have learned to not take a step (okay, I am still working this one out) without HIS telling me TO do it and WHEN and WHERE to do it.  I call it putting blinders on~like a horse with blinders...i have to put my blinders on to shut out the noise of the world and well meaning people to hear the voice of MY GOD.

today I am linked up with chattingatthesky, aholyexperience, shout laugh and love and sweet shot tuesday

meet the robinsons

this movie came on the disney channel this afternoon and we are watching it....i continue to be amazed at the hidden truths in this children's movie....there are so many....and as i was marveling at it, i remembered the first time i watched it and how god spoke to me in a situation about it....i journaled about it and thought i would post it here....i encourage you to watch it with your heart....see all that god has for you in it.....even the song Little Wonders, oh my!!! may, 2007

I had a situation this week that God has used so mightily!!! I am working at becoming a photographer, as you might or might not know. I had done a shoot and the client viewed the pictures online and acted like they were great. She ordered the prints and we made the connections for me to get them to her and for me to get paid. Not a hour passed when she called saying they were the worst pictures she had seen...that they could have come from her own camera. She requested a full refund. I was CRUSHED!!!! Now, I know God has done some work in me for me to not throw the towel in altogether, but I have had my doubts whether this is a "God thing" or not....WELL...my youngest son had his birthday yesterday and wanted to go on a date with me to see "Meet the Robinsons"...I had heard it was a good movie, but I am not really a movie person...so....we went anyway....there was this part in it where the main character fails at the task given to him......you could tell he was crushed.....the response he got from the others around him totally surprised me and made me cry!!! They celebrated his failure. It was like a badge of honor to have messed up, because you only learn from your mistakes. You don't learn the deep, working lessons in successes. On the way home from the movie, I thought that this is exactly what happened to me, not only with my pictures, but in my life lately....I have failed miserably. BUT, I am learning from my mistakes and I am not letting them get to me...I am getting to them!!!! I had to look hard at my work....look at what would make my work something that someone would want to pay for. I began instantly to work on how I was doing my work.....I had to lay down my pride...UGH!!!..I had to lay down expectations....UGH!!!! ....I had to ask for help......YIKES!!!! I am working on it now.....And on they way home from the movie, I thought that what I need to do is email this client and thank her for her honesty and for being true to herself, because it caused me to take a step forward....not sure if I will, though :). (side note:  i did :))

I am learning to desire and enjoy the hard times....it draws me closer to Him....it makes me more dependent upon Him.....it brings me to a place of dependence that I don't truly experience when things are going well......

This morning, reading the Bible to my children, we came to verse Psalm 62:9 Common people are as worthless as a puff of wind.... I don't want to be a common person.....I want to be an uncommon person.....not worthless, but priceless!!!!! This is the only way I can become an uncommon person...to walk through the hard, trying times and to embrace them!!!!

I pray for each one of us that we become UNCOMMON in our walk, in our lives!!!

a growing family

yesterday was mother's day.  it was a great day and it is a reminder of how my family is growing....not necessarily in number (which is coming soon enough), but in age and what that brings with it. gone are the days of my struggling through mother's day of getting a bunch of little ones dressed and ready for church--and of course in my perfectionism and man seeking approval stage--everyone had to look alike with hair done perfectly. i made myself completely crazy with those days...there were many mother's days that i was pregnant, not feeling my best and was pretty much grumpy....i took on more than i needed to to keep my family 'looking' the part....oh, how sad that is when i think of all the energy i wasted and how hard i was on my kids, my {ex} husband AND, especially our children.

those days are gone.  I now only take care of myself and if the kids are not looking exactly like *I* would like them to look, i look the other way :) .  my deepest desire for mother's day is that we can all be together.  it does happen, but it is not easy.  with the growing family, there are times when one or another of the children can not be there, for part or any of the day.  i have one child that must go to another family and celebrate a step-mom, i have kids who have 'significant others' who must go to other families, i have kids with jobs--some being at churches--so that they must work on Sundays and another yet that works retail and must go by his assigned schedule....

one of the hardest things for me to grapple with as a mom of young adults and still young ones at home is the thought of having a family picture done, but not everyone can be there for the picture.  i tend to shy away from those pictures when all but one or two (or more) can not be there, because "we are not all here"...our family is not complete.  Now, as I say this, I realize, our family will never be the same after divorce.  it is bittersweet that our 'daddy' is not with us and has chosen that path.  it is VERY sweet that God provided a WONDERFUL man to take on the mission of my family...

i have to remind myself that early on, in the days of taking family pictures, that not all the kids were in those...the younger ones weren't even a thought at the time.  it is hard to do, but it is only the right thing to do...to take pictures of the memory and moments that God so graciously gives us....and know deep in my heart that we are ALL still family....even when others are not there.....this picture is the last picture (so far) of EVERYONE being in the same place at the same time all made up ready for pictures :)