labels

I shared this with a special group of women this morning and know god told me to post it here, also.

i have been really struggling lately with who i am and what my purpose is.  i am reaching the season when my children don't need me {as much} and while i love, love , LOVE being at home, i know i have a call on my life and i also know i need to help with the family income.  not necessarily on a regular basis, but for when things come up....and with my family, a birthday is always coming up ;)

i have been truly, abundantly blessed with the ability to do many things.  i have a heart to serve and work with women.  i have a heart to see and highlight beauty--whether through photography, the written word, the healing of a wounded heart, the light of recognition and peace in the eyes of a child who has been a bit rebellious.....through food, through laughter, through cups of coffee, through a beautiful room.

i have found myself questioning what i am to be 'doing'.  what 'my life call' is.  just yesterday, i got a call from someone who wanted to talk to me about my resume that i had recently submitted.  i got all excited and as i hung up, i felt this overwhelming need to know if 'this was it'...if THIS is what i have been called to.  i started crying out to God.....

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??????  WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???????

the next thing.

what?????

the next thing.  all i am asking you to do is the next thing.

this morning as i was waking up, i heard this phrase again...the next thing.  i asked--what does that mean?

you want a job, you want a name, you want a title, you want a label.  you want a plan...you want to know....i have no labels for you.  you are my child.  i have gifted you with what i want you to have for the reasons that only i know of.  rest in that.  be at peace.  know that i am leading you and as long as you are willing to follow, there are no mistakes.  there are no wasted days.

ok...i have to say here...i have felt feel that there are many days that i sit at home and read, listen to my worship music, look at pictures, talk to a friend.  and on those days, i feel i have wasted them.  i have to fight the lie that i am lazy--see my post on strongholds--(and for future reference: i will be posting about what to do once you realize you have believed a lie.....)

so to hear god speak that what i am doing is exactly what he has called me to do and that i am not wasting days is a HUGE brain twist.  now.  my heart so hears it and just sings to hear it....but the world....my tie to the world and what it might think of me really gets in the way.....

so, as i was reflecting on this truth, he brought back a post i did a ways back.....you can read it here.....and it brings it all back into perspective.

so, as i wrestle with who i am and what my job is, this picture came across my computer.  i love it.  it represents who i am in god's eyes.....

come, sit.....

IMG_6880

i don't know about you, but since school has started, my life has spun. out. of. control.  with all the paperwork that needs signing (didn't I do that at the END of the year, so that I wouldn't have this problem again?), all the checks that need to be written (I thought my TAX dollars were paying for this), all the scheduling that needs to happen with 8 individuals and 8 separate yet overlapping lives.  not only that, but I am leaving to shoot an out of town wedding.  not only THAT, but i will be leaving 6 kids to get to school on their own for 2 days....i know they can do it, but as a mom......and, i was so reassured by one of my teens....she said "no offense mom, but you really don't do that much"....wow.

my head is spinning with all the to-dos....i am losing sleep over all the check lists...i hope {not pray} that I am not the only one and others know what that is like....

this morning....God called and said....come.  sit with me a while...let me just hold you....let me tell you what to do today.....and of course, I started to tell HIM all that needed to be done and why I just didn't have time for a cup of coffee with Him....ah....

he brought this picture to mind....he said......sit....pretend you are at the beach, listening to the waves....drink your coffee and smell the ocean breeze....take a deep breath....breathe.....and rest in me.....I AM the way....I AM the truth....I AM the life.....trust me with all of it....

linked today with chatting at the sky,  sweet shot tuesday, steady mom and so much shouting, so much laughter

sing and dance to an audience of ONE

we all have wounds...wounds that come very early in life....and we all respond in different ways to cope with those wounds...when there is abuse, especially sexual abuse, the effects are horrendous.  I had years of it....and my means of coping was to make everyone happy, not stir the pot, so to speak and fade into the woodwork....my identity became what others said i was and what i could meld into to make someone like me or just not hate me~or abuse me.  i didn't see this for a very long time...it had, in essence, become my addiction....to make everyone around me happy and take care of everyone.

this went on for many, many years and i would like to say it stopped when i became a christian.  but the nasty truth of it was that it got worse...so, so much worse...i tried to cover the dirty-ness with appearances, facades, and works.  i was the 'ask ginny, she'll do anything' person.  i was known for my 'servant's heart' and my quickly taking responsibilities and jobs that no one else would do.  i was trying hard to make people like me and please those around me.  and i was miserable.  i thought my misery would go away the more i worked at it and the more i stayed busy....

god used some dire circumstances to open my eyes and heart to what HE wanted from me and for me....i have 9 children....after the 9th, i became pregnant with and lost #10 3 times....the second time, i began hemorrhaging and almost died...i was broken hearted, but the worst of it was that during this time my husband decided he did not want our family any longer.  i fought for 2 years and lost.  i had to ask my husband to leave when it became abusive...realizing our home had already been in that state for a long time, but was just now healthy enough to see it for what it was.....when 'the church' heard what was 'going down', i was given books to read, conferences to go to and advice.  and was told i was in rebellion to do ask him to leave (not intending divorce, just wanted him healed and to take responsibility for his own healing).  i also had to decide to put my children in school (which after 18 years of schooling them--was traumatic itself)....i had a battle in that~from the homeschooling community to the public schools~nothing i could do would please anyone....god began showing me HE was the ONLY one i needed to please....HE was the ONLY one that i would stand accountable to when i got to heaven.  it has not been easy~not by a stretch~and i am not advocating ANYone doing what i have had to do...but i do know GOD has led me this far and i have learned to not take a step (okay, I am still working this one out) without HIS telling me TO do it and WHEN and WHERE to do it.  I call it putting blinders on~like a horse with blinders...i have to put my blinders on to shut out the noise of the world and well meaning people to hear the voice of MY GOD.

today I am linked up with chattingatthesky, aholyexperience, shout laugh and love and sweet shot tuesday