its just a house....part 2

continued...... we got to town early and decided to run by the house. as we drove down the street, i was in shock. this house was not the house i remembered. it looked a tad bit familiar, but not at all like the house i lived in.

i asked chuck to slow down so i could take it all in. then i asked if we could pull up into the driveway and just let me look. he said yes. we pulled up and a man walked from the barn to the house. he stopped and looked at us...hehe....you know that feeling when someone drives up to your house and you're like 'who is THAT and what do they want?'....well he had that look.

i introduced myself by my maiden name. his eyebrows rose up. i said 'i used to live here'...he said 'i know you did'....i told him about my friend messaging me and then he asked if i would like to go in and see the house.

of course i said YES!

we walk in, and of course i recognize the house, but it is different. it has been taken care of. Rick, the owner of the house, tells me of what he has done. as we walk through, i am able to recount the way things were, and what was here and what went there, etc.....he agreed with me and corrected me when i got mixed up...but that only happened once, maybe? i remembered with clarity the way the house WAS....

but this was a different house. it has the same shell....rick told me they gutted the thing. kept what they wanted and needed to, but for the most part, it was a brand. new. house.

rick did tell me that when they first walked through it, he noticed some things that looked wrong...he said he looked at his wife and said 'child abuse has happened in this house'...well, that shook me to the core as you can imagine....and I told him-yes. It did.

i walked room to room like i did 19 years ago. some parts held a bit of a grasp on me, but it was like walking in a completely different place.

rick also told me of how they took the house off the foundation it was on and moved it 6 feet to prepare a solid foundation to replace the old one.....wow....6 feet and then back.

the love this family has for this house. the care they took in re-doing it. the detail they paid attention to. it was incredible.

so. so beautiful was this house.

we chatted, and then before things became awkward ;) we left.

they did tell us they had lived in the barn while building and are planning on opening a bed and breakfast in the barn after the 1st of the year.

we got in the car, drove off and i asked chuck if he would drive around the block and let me look at it one more time. and again, he said yes.....as we drove up, i started shooting pictures....this is one of the pictures i got....

IMG_4988

on to the game we go.

i am still in shock over what i have seen and can not completely comprehend it. i am silent as i absorb it all. but on to the game we go :)

a friend from high school got us some tickets and we were finding our seats when another friend came up. she asked how our day had been and i begin by showing her this picture.

she said, 'that's the house that's in the football program'....i was puzzled and she insisted it was. she said, 'isn't it so beautiful??'...my response was, 'yes, it is, but you should see the inside!...it is SO incredible.'

god spoke. he said, 'that's what i say about you'.

i just wept.

its been such a hard road. and *I* know what i have been through and what *I* have done. i know the ugly, the hard, the abuse, the old junk. but he took me.... he took me off the foundation i had grown up on. the shaky foundation. and he moved me onto a firm foundation. he basically gutted me, LOL....and restored the inside of me...kept what he wanted to for future use and created something so much better.

i could go on and on about the similarities, comparisons and pictures he gave me that night and he is still doing.

maybe i will continue to share as it develops.

the last thing: he told me: just as anyone driving by now would not know what happened in that house, people who know you now don't know who you used to be. you keep trying to be the old house, when i made you brand new. let the old die. begin living in the new house i built for you.

i do know that i am hoping to be one of the 1st to stay in the bed and breakfast. i have asked them for that :)

i know there is deeper healing for me as i go and stay....and let god love on me and heal some of those old wounds.

if you'd like to see more of the house, visit this blog. leave a comment, if you wish. i know the new owners would love to hear what others are seeing and saying!! its http://horse-apple-hill.blogspot.com

labels

I shared this with a special group of women this morning and know god told me to post it here, also.

i have been really struggling lately with who i am and what my purpose is.  i am reaching the season when my children don't need me {as much} and while i love, love , LOVE being at home, i know i have a call on my life and i also know i need to help with the family income.  not necessarily on a regular basis, but for when things come up....and with my family, a birthday is always coming up ;)

i have been truly, abundantly blessed with the ability to do many things.  i have a heart to serve and work with women.  i have a heart to see and highlight beauty--whether through photography, the written word, the healing of a wounded heart, the light of recognition and peace in the eyes of a child who has been a bit rebellious.....through food, through laughter, through cups of coffee, through a beautiful room.

i have found myself questioning what i am to be 'doing'.  what 'my life call' is.  just yesterday, i got a call from someone who wanted to talk to me about my resume that i had recently submitted.  i got all excited and as i hung up, i felt this overwhelming need to know if 'this was it'...if THIS is what i have been called to.  i started crying out to God.....

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??????  WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???????

the next thing.

what?????

the next thing.  all i am asking you to do is the next thing.

this morning as i was waking up, i heard this phrase again...the next thing.  i asked--what does that mean?

you want a job, you want a name, you want a title, you want a label.  you want a plan...you want to know....i have no labels for you.  you are my child.  i have gifted you with what i want you to have for the reasons that only i know of.  rest in that.  be at peace.  know that i am leading you and as long as you are willing to follow, there are no mistakes.  there are no wasted days.

ok...i have to say here...i have felt feel that there are many days that i sit at home and read, listen to my worship music, look at pictures, talk to a friend.  and on those days, i feel i have wasted them.  i have to fight the lie that i am lazy--see my post on strongholds--(and for future reference: i will be posting about what to do once you realize you have believed a lie.....)

so to hear god speak that what i am doing is exactly what he has called me to do and that i am not wasting days is a HUGE brain twist.  now.  my heart so hears it and just sings to hear it....but the world....my tie to the world and what it might think of me really gets in the way.....

so, as i was reflecting on this truth, he brought back a post i did a ways back.....you can read it here.....and it brings it all back into perspective.

so, as i wrestle with who i am and what my job is, this picture came across my computer.  i love it.  it represents who i am in god's eyes.....

strongholds

have you or any of your children ever played this little game?  if i had a dollar for every time one of mine did this, i would be living on the beach ;)

i wish i could say i have outgrown this little game, but i am beginning to see how i continue to play it daily....but with much more serious consequences than spaghetti sauce on my face.

this little game...the 'look, mom, i'm in jail' game whopped me upside the head a while back and God is not letting it out of my sight.....he is showing me that this is what a stronghold looks like...from the outside.  from the inside view, this little prison can seem so big and so captivating.  when in reality, all i have to do is change my perspective--see it from the outside view.

a stronghold, i am learning is a lie i have chosen to believe {about myself} that has me in a prison of my own making.  it may be something that was spoken over me when i was younger--by an angry mom, an abusive dad, a well meaning, but misdirected correction from a teacher--or of late, an ex-husband who no longer wanted to be married to me and looked {and still looking} for ways to prove his opinion of me and his justification of leaving.

the lies can be so innocuous....'i need to weigh a certain number before i can be of any worth', 'you will never amount to anything', 'its a good thing you look good, because you can't do anything else', 'i must be everything to everyone in my home {and outside it} to be of any value', 'if my house isn't clean {at all times}, i am a failure' 'i had it {insert whatever *it* is} coming'......and one of the latest (i am being very honest and transparent) is that i am 'certifiably nuts'--the list goes on and on and on......

the truth is none of this is true...

i have been able to see some of them and dispel them....speak truth against them.  some of them kick me in the rear and keep me down....all of my own doing, of course. no one has the right to speak to me other than my father, and he speaks only truth.....and not one word of what i have heard in my head is what he speaks to my heart....not one.

i am beginning to see that letting go of a stronghold can be very difficult....lots of work is involved in 'unbelieving' a lie, but it can also be as simple as taking the fork out from in front of my eye.....

she's all that {and a bag of chips}

sassy picture, huh?  sassy post title, huh?  well, part of it came from my kids...who are loving having a mom who is free :)

on the other part......

i read in a blog a few days ago (wish i could remember where so i could link up to it, but can't).  this post was talking about our insecurities of being too much or being too little--saying too much, or too little.  this spoke to a deep place in my heart.  there are so many times when i don't feel like i measure up--like i am not enough.  i can usually deal with those thoughts pretty quickly and fairly completely . i kind of know i will never measure up to other people's expectations, but as long as i am being who god called me to be, i am walking in obedience.  especially because he is the one i will answer to.

the harder part to accept is when i am too much.  i can not tell you how many times and ways i beat myself up over being 'too much'.  so many days i have walked out of a meeting, a discussion, a dinner or even church...and regurgitate how i coulda, shoulda, and woulda done things differently...and how next time, i will keep.my.mouth.shut.and.my.hands.to.my.side.

god has done a great work of healing my broken heart....i am more free than i have ever, EVER been.  and with that freedom should be the freedom to be me.  not sure how others see it in me, but sometimes, i feel i am just too much.  laugh too loudly, share too much, cry too easily, worship with my whole being....just too much sometimes.....

and yet....i know god wants me to be who he created me to be....laugh from deep in my belly :D, share my heart of hearts with those who are safe, shed tears of joy and of grief and to worship HIM, who did it ALL....HE made me....ALL of me.....and HE wants me to share everything he has given.  even when it seems like it is too much :)

linked up today with chatting at the sky and sweet shot tuesday and life with kaishon

who said?????

Jeremiah 1:5--"Before I made you in your mother's womb, I chose you.  Before you were born, I set you apart for a special work.

the enemy has been working overtime on me....

well, he began when i was very young, probably earlier than i can remember....there were so many things that came against me...so many wounds, so many lies.  and i believed those lies for most of my life.  one of the turning points toward healing for me was when i realized that with every lie he tried to speak over me, it was the counterfeit to one of the name{s} that GOD spoken over me when HE first thought of me.  it was a sneaky ploy and i believed it...and still struggle from time to time...you know those times when you mess up and all you can hear is "what were you THINKING", or  " you will NEVER get this one right", or  "you did it AGAIN"....you get the point, i don't need to repeat all the bad stuff....but what i have learned is that when something hurts--when someone has bumped up against a bruise of a wound (even a healing one), or when i mess up and feel horrible about it, it triggers old thoughts and if i am not careful, i end up down a spiral--as i like to call them :)  I am learning to stop and feel the pain, then i try to think through the lie that was spoken over me--and if i have repeated it (aloud or to myself-which almost always happens) then i have at some point come into an agreement with it--i purpose to find  the truth of what God says about me--what HE thought of when he first thought of me, and speak those words....i am learning-ever so slowly--to not listen to the whispers of the enemy, but to listen to the word that HE has spoken over me and named me...."precious daughter", "overcomer", "beautiful",  "beloved", "lover of truth"...etc.....

i have a choice who to believe.....and i am learning to discern where the little whispers are coming from and stand up and say......"who says"....

linked up to www.chattinginthesky.com