labels

I shared this with a special group of women this morning and know god told me to post it here, also.

i have been really struggling lately with who i am and what my purpose is.  i am reaching the season when my children don't need me {as much} and while i love, love , LOVE being at home, i know i have a call on my life and i also know i need to help with the family income.  not necessarily on a regular basis, but for when things come up....and with my family, a birthday is always coming up ;)

i have been truly, abundantly blessed with the ability to do many things.  i have a heart to serve and work with women.  i have a heart to see and highlight beauty--whether through photography, the written word, the healing of a wounded heart, the light of recognition and peace in the eyes of a child who has been a bit rebellious.....through food, through laughter, through cups of coffee, through a beautiful room.

i have found myself questioning what i am to be 'doing'.  what 'my life call' is.  just yesterday, i got a call from someone who wanted to talk to me about my resume that i had recently submitted.  i got all excited and as i hung up, i felt this overwhelming need to know if 'this was it'...if THIS is what i have been called to.  i started crying out to God.....

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??????  WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???????

the next thing.

what?????

the next thing.  all i am asking you to do is the next thing.

this morning as i was waking up, i heard this phrase again...the next thing.  i asked--what does that mean?

you want a job, you want a name, you want a title, you want a label.  you want a plan...you want to know....i have no labels for you.  you are my child.  i have gifted you with what i want you to have for the reasons that only i know of.  rest in that.  be at peace.  know that i am leading you and as long as you are willing to follow, there are no mistakes.  there are no wasted days.

ok...i have to say here...i have felt feel that there are many days that i sit at home and read, listen to my worship music, look at pictures, talk to a friend.  and on those days, i feel i have wasted them.  i have to fight the lie that i am lazy--see my post on strongholds--(and for future reference: i will be posting about what to do once you realize you have believed a lie.....)

so to hear god speak that what i am doing is exactly what he has called me to do and that i am not wasting days is a HUGE brain twist.  now.  my heart so hears it and just sings to hear it....but the world....my tie to the world and what it might think of me really gets in the way.....

so, as i was reflecting on this truth, he brought back a post i did a ways back.....you can read it here.....and it brings it all back into perspective.

so, as i wrestle with who i am and what my job is, this picture came across my computer.  i love it.  it represents who i am in god's eyes.....

can't see the forest

i have been wrestling lately with seeing the big picture.  i was talking to my kids about this and the word perspective came up ;)  i was explaining to them how when i am in the middle of a challenge that all i can see in front of me is the challenge...or the rejection or correction or mistake or, or, or.... that in these times i have to remember the trees.  trees for me take on many different personas and meanings, so i will explain this one....

when all i can see in front of me is the {ahem} challenge.....it seems so big, so not overcomable, so in front of your face.  to me, that is like being right in front of a tree, not seeing anything but the bark or the ants crawling on the bark. its pretty (in its own way) but not the picture i really want to see.....i have to back up....to get a better perspective on the situation.....to get God's perspective on the situation.

its like standing in the forest and you can't see where to go next, but if you were in a helicopter looking down, you would be able to see exactly where you were, where you were going and what to do next.  i don't always get a good picture of all of that, but what happens when i ask to see things from his perspective, is that it all starts to make sense (even when it doesn't, i know that it will) and it begins to flow...and i quit trying to study the bark and see the trail that winds between the trees to another place.

if i can keep his perspective, the whole picture changes......

....into something of beauty, order and that brings hope and the promise of  purpose.

pure grace

this girl.....our kaitlyn grace....turns 20 tomorrow!!!  this girl.....who's name was given by God before we even knew she was a she or that I was even pregnant for that matter...kaitlyn grace....means 'pure grace'.  this girl....has such a call on her life that the enemy has tried in various ways in her 20 short years to take her down and out....this girl...was born in the car on the way to the hospital.  the story is one that will be told many, many more times, because it is so funny and sooooo kaitlyn.  i used to say....we could have been IN the hospital and she would have waited till we were out of it to be born.  I will absolutely write about her birth...another time.  this day is to celebrate all that God has done in her life.  all that she is.  all that she is going to be.  she is a precious jewel in the crown I wear called motherhood.  of course, being 20 {and a girl}, says a lot of  {unsaid} things about our relationship.  we have had so many ups and downs and God keeps her near to my heart...and I know his.   this girl....the one who decided she needed to move away to stretch her wings.....the wings I purpose to NOT clip--only i want to so badly so that she stays close to home....always....but god told me long ago that she would not stay close....he told me she is like an Amy Carmichael--only in the opposite way...see, its a good thing for me she was born in the car...God knew I needed that....that there would be no mistake she was mine.  and with skin the color of hers...there would have been some question ;) ....when she was 2, she told me she wanted a black baby doll...because their legs were dark like hers.  she used to say when she grew up, she wanted to be white, like her older sister.....God showed me...that she would easily be able to go into countries that others would not be able to--because of her coloring and her eyes....she has the blackest eyes i have ever seen....so beautiful...so open to what God has....so vulnerable.  yet, she is one smart cookie....and funny...our family has never laughed like we do when kaitlyn is in one of her funny moods....

we have said over the years that god knew what he was doing in naming her....that it has taken pure grace to raise this daughter....but i am learning that he named her also for the pure grace she shows to me....her mom...in my many mistakes in raising her, in loving her or in failing to love her the way i should....he knew her before she was born....i have learned so many of my parenting skills just from this one. little. bitty. girl.

happy birthday, my sweet kk.  you are loved beyond measure and i hope and pray you feel it deep in your heart.  i pray that the in the next 20 years, you will continue to see the hand on god on your life...that you see the hard things in life as treasures and that HE loves you more than you can imagine.

home...

ok..so i did not take this picture, but i wanted to write about a dream i had and this is the closest thing i could find to communicate the image i have about it. i had a dream a while back...in this dream i was a servant girl living in a mud hut...i was dirty, worn and tired.  i was fighting fire breathing dragons that were attacking me and my hut.  i was trapped in my little hut with no way out.  i was alone.  i was crying out for help, and what i got was things being thrown at me....books, tapes, seminars, conferences...(you get the idea?)...i could not use them for the job at hand...they were tools but not the right ones for this job.  as i was beating a dragon away, i got my foot in the door and could only see out that much.  what i saw was a castle.  it was sitting up on a hill far away...but as i saw it, i KNEW that was where i belonged....not in the mud hut.  and in the foreground was a knight...riding a white horse.  HE was who was going to take me to my castle.  i realized then that i was a princess, not a servant girl and my home was a castle, not a mud hut and that this MAN was going to fight for me....and HE came and fought my dragons for me so that i could leave the place i was trapped and live where i belonged.

i started to name this 'the right tools' but even that sounds like something WE have to do or use to get where we want to be or where we belong. god has shown me that it is HIM...HE does the work, all i have to do is follow.  HE has made a way for me...to live like the royalty i am...it was me who could not see past the walls of my circumstances to see the big picture of who i am and who he is and how much he wants me living with him in my home....his heart.

this brings to my heart this song.....

linked today with one nutty girl :), chatting at the sky and so much shouting, so much laughter and a holy experience

sing and dance to an audience of ONE

we all have wounds...wounds that come very early in life....and we all respond in different ways to cope with those wounds...when there is abuse, especially sexual abuse, the effects are horrendous.  I had years of it....and my means of coping was to make everyone happy, not stir the pot, so to speak and fade into the woodwork....my identity became what others said i was and what i could meld into to make someone like me or just not hate me~or abuse me.  i didn't see this for a very long time...it had, in essence, become my addiction....to make everyone around me happy and take care of everyone.

this went on for many, many years and i would like to say it stopped when i became a christian.  but the nasty truth of it was that it got worse...so, so much worse...i tried to cover the dirty-ness with appearances, facades, and works.  i was the 'ask ginny, she'll do anything' person.  i was known for my 'servant's heart' and my quickly taking responsibilities and jobs that no one else would do.  i was trying hard to make people like me and please those around me.  and i was miserable.  i thought my misery would go away the more i worked at it and the more i stayed busy....

god used some dire circumstances to open my eyes and heart to what HE wanted from me and for me....i have 9 children....after the 9th, i became pregnant with and lost #10 3 times....the second time, i began hemorrhaging and almost died...i was broken hearted, but the worst of it was that during this time my husband decided he did not want our family any longer.  i fought for 2 years and lost.  i had to ask my husband to leave when it became abusive...realizing our home had already been in that state for a long time, but was just now healthy enough to see it for what it was.....when 'the church' heard what was 'going down', i was given books to read, conferences to go to and advice.  and was told i was in rebellion to do ask him to leave (not intending divorce, just wanted him healed and to take responsibility for his own healing).  i also had to decide to put my children in school (which after 18 years of schooling them--was traumatic itself)....i had a battle in that~from the homeschooling community to the public schools~nothing i could do would please anyone....god began showing me HE was the ONLY one i needed to please....HE was the ONLY one that i would stand accountable to when i got to heaven.  it has not been easy~not by a stretch~and i am not advocating ANYone doing what i have had to do...but i do know GOD has led me this far and i have learned to not take a step (okay, I am still working this one out) without HIS telling me TO do it and WHEN and WHERE to do it.  I call it putting blinders on~like a horse with blinders...i have to put my blinders on to shut out the noise of the world and well meaning people to hear the voice of MY GOD.

today I am linked up with chattingatthesky, aholyexperience, shout laugh and love and sweet shot tuesday

the gleaners

I have this oven door that I found in Canton--its an actual door of an OLD OLD oven made out of cast iron--it would kill you if it fell from the perch I have it on (its secure)...I absolutely LOVE it and my family just does not understand why I love it so much(read: they HATE it).....I haven't really gotten it, either, until this week.  I am doing a book study on the book Nurture by Lisa Bevere....WONDERFUL book....and in one chapter, she addressed the book of Ruth and how we need mothers - not mentors and the difference....she was talking about how Naomi told Ruth to go glean from Boaz's fields and what gleaning meant....

Ruth was invited to join the group of women who gleaned exclusively in Boaz's fields until the end of the harvest.  These were the women of strength who worked diligently in his fields so that nothing would  be lost and all would be fed.  Is this not what we are looking for today--women of strength ? So many have been left behind by the harvesters because no one knew how to look for them.

gleaning is painstaking work; one has to sift through what others have cast aside.  it is to snatch from decay and see what slipped by the first pass of the harvesters

i realized why i am drawn to the oven door (as I am to the book of Ruth).  a friend of mine tells me i have learned to extract the precious from the worthless=gleaning! my picture of this is that a tornado may be spinning around you (literally or figuratively) and there are precious jewels being left in the destruction. my job is to sift through the destruction--where it looks hopeless, sometimes, and find the diamonds of hope, the jewels that God leaves for me to see HIM in it all...and it is hard work, and not all the time fun and sometimes the jewels don't look like jewels at the time.....it IS painstaking work.....it is gleaning.....that is why i LOVE this oven door SOOOOO much :)